that de-escalated quickly
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Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much