instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
You Might Also Like
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no