Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
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Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“What movie?” 🤔
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.