At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Current mood: Potato
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse