Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation