Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
yeah 😭
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.