I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I think they could have phrased this better
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I drew y’all a little something.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.