Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom