There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
😬
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.