And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
You Might Also Like
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit