You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
#Caturday
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
When you let grandma cat sit