I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face