Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
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The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
gm
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich