I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you