My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
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I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.