@KonaSlater
@Lisa_Laughs_ fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
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@Lisa_Laughs_ 
@KateWhineHall [Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
@themorris23 Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
@sixfootcandy Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
@AndyShulk I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
@Mister_Veritas [first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
@Dani_Feld The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
@QuickandSisi A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
@DearAuntAbby Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
@bush_piglet Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo