“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
This bar smells like my childhood.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.