“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

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fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…


[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?


Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”


Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.


I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.


[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…


The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”



A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.


Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.


Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo