me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”