People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now