[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can