I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.