Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
This a good idea
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭