Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
best review i’ve ever seen
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.