One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
When he asks for feet pics
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of