“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!