gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.