I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
this chia pet tastes awful
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back