[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You Might Also Like
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying