@MomofTeen My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
@donni Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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@MomofTeen 
@PJTLynch Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
@DanMentos Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
@treydayway Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
@AKcrazy18 If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
@FatBottomGirl1 We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
@slimmy_shady Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
@Qwertyings Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
@david8hughes [sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
@StainsQueen If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?