Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT