@donni

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

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Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

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Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

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If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

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@Qwertyings

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

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Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

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@StainsQueen

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?