All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me trying to “trust the process”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade