I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.