me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.