Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
United Steaks of America
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
#JohnTravolta
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure