i could never be president. im overqualified.
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
whatcha thinkin bout
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.