i could never be president. im overqualified.
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
A short story of betrayal:
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)