i could never be president. im overqualified.
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The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
A Short Story.
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!