If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
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I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Do one person every day that scares you.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door