STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.![]()
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.