He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else