Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS