5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.