I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
You Might Also Like
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
the chicken was already gone when I got here
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.