Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.