my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
liiiiiiiiike
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.