You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
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*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Meeeee too!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”