[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I’m putting together a team
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
This is my pinned tweet
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
People buying plungers never look happy.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
pelicons
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
