We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
oh shit
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.