[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”![]()
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.