[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.