The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
This is my favorite one of these!
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.