Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.