I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*