I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.