Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
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“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
#oldknees
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes