What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Breaking news:
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My whole life was a lie.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.